the comfort i seek and achieve on the basis that: i'm failing at everything. MO-FUCKING WIN.
what the fuck is the point? everything is a downard spiral.
school is discusting. i'm a slacker. i'll admit it. procratination is my middle name, but if you think this is a life style choice.. then fuck off.
motivation is rare and sparce.
falling behind is so easy. homework not done, what damage will missing one lesson do? coupled with 2 health/ medical events that put me into so much pain and also embarrasment, discomfort and body image dislike, left me hardly tempted to leave my bedroom, even during snow.
and then shabby attendance anyway. left me with a shit hole filled of shit. and im working on it. tomorrrow i will have gone to school everyday for 3 weeks. for 2 weeks now ive attended every single lesson. this is a an achievement for me. i know it is the norm expected of everyone, but standards slip. so i'm trying my best, and all i get is fuck all. im trying so hard but no one cares to even fucking acknoledge it. and they just pile more. why the fuck do we even bother?
the life cycle sucks. get born, get an education, get to uni, get a good job, get a family, get and retire, get dead.
surely there must be more than this? is it asking for too much? i look at adults now and wonder if there actually happy. is that actually what they want? or are they just doing so because its expected of them, its what there qualified. I look at my family in dismay. as far as im concerned nothing has turned out right anymore.I cant really envisage that my dad wanted to end up having to be the bone structure of my family, caring for my mum, holding my sister together, this cant possibly be what he wanted all along. why would anyone want that much responsibility.
detachment. it not because you dont care, its because its the only way you can handle it.
i dont even know what im living for.
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Here's to finding some meaning in the nothingness!
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ReplyDelete*HUGS* deary, it might not mean much, but I'm always here for you!
ReplyDeleteThere might not seem like a reason to be alive (especially coz school has an amazing way of making you feel like crap), but you're special. People need you to be around. School ultimately ISN'T that important (might get killed for saying that), but so long as you are alive and well that's enough to make the people that care about you happy. Don't worry about attendence, lol i almost got thrown out of school for mine :P. You're not a slacker. IF you were a slacker you wouldn't care about any of this and you obviously do! *HUGS* I won't ask you about what happened to you're health because this might not be the best place to talk about it, but if you ever do want to talk you can always email me *squishy hugs* Motivation was very rare and sparce for me too, but make sure that you still live happily. It's gonna be almost impossible with a-levels and stuff, but a-levels end and some point or another, you need to make sure they aren't damaging you as a person. Being unhappy will last even after a-levels have finished so when you notice yourself feeling like this, put a-levels aside for the moment and do things to take care of yourself. School isn't a person, it's just a place you go to and it's wrong that it makes you feel like this *HUGS* we are very similar you and I deary :P and you are needed...BADLY. You're a lovely person and a great friend. All these years later I still need to know that you're happy and alive because you're so wonderful *poke* and that will NEVER change. I hope things improve soon, but you are always someone that I'll be glad is here on this planet because you make life a good thing *pats*
love u much much!
lovre you
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